Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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