if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
