Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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