Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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