i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i think i have two assholes
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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