you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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