Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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