i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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