dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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