dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
