i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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