I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
