Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
