mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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