So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
