last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
