Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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