I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
