I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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