I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
