she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
