Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize