My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
