I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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