Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
