so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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