chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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