i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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