so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
