I just pynch a tree in the face
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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