My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and she was petting her beer can
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
