you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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