Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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