I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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