dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
