College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
