Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize