You made me cry and you don't even care
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
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