my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he thought i was a dude.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize