so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
