Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
