dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
