You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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