You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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