Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
