Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
