Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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