I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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