Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
