"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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