: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
