I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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