All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
