We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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