im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
