Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just had sex on a roof
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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