we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just invented taco cereal.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
