she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
