I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I would fuck him just for his dog
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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