so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
