I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize