if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
