When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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